Afraid....

I’ve been afraid…..afraid of coming back to this blog and reading my previous posts. I’ve been afraid of looking at my failures so to speak. I’ve been afraid….of writing perhaps not so encouraging stuff. I’ve been afraid….of what I am and what I am not.

Afraid no longer…..it’s always a matter of time before you come to the end of yourself and surrender, or re-surrender, and re-surrender, and re-surrender to God. I find myself here tonight. So here I am….back…called to get these (jumbled) thoughts out.


I need to be reminded of the lessons God has taught me, the ones that are evidenced here and lately, I just don’t want to be reminded. It’s as if my own self-doubt, my own critique of myself is enough. Those are just lies though, not God spoken truth.

I’m a little frustrated with myself that I haven’t yet overcome my struggle which is dying to myself. Letting God be enough, enough to overcome worldly desires. To say God is enough, to live out what I believe.  Then it hits me….who I am? Who am I that I think that I can overcome a struggle? It will never be me and it will always be Him. My part in this is letting God take over, giving Him everything I have and trusting Him with it. I can't say I know exactly what that means in it's entirety, but I know I can look to Him at anytime instead of trying to control or fix my situation or circumstance.

"O Lord, I give my life to you.

I trust in you, my God!

Do not let me disgraced,

Or let my enemies rejoice in my defeat.

No one who trusts in you will ever be disgraced....

Show me the right path, O Lord;

Point out the road for me to follow.

Lead me by your truth and teach me,

For you are the God who saves me.

All day long I put my hope in you.

Remember, O Lord, your compassion and unfailing love,

Which you have shown from long ages past.

Do not remember the rebellious sins of my youth.

Remember me in the light of your unfailing love,

For you are merciful, O Lord."

Psalm 25:1-7

I Have Decided...

I tried writing this post a week ago but apparently it was a little premature since nothing saved....so let's give this another try.

I have been struggling all year with whether I should be drinking or not. It's something that, I think, God has kept pressing me on....challenging me to make a decision. I've contemplated so many times whether it's right or wrong, not in general, but for me. Often times, I've found myself drinking to have relax, de-stress, and just escape a little. It's something that I'd look forward to and sometimes end up drinking more than I should.

Last Sunday, I decided that I did not want to drink anymore. That nothing good can come from alcohol, not even a little relaxation. I was listening to Sinking Deep by Hillsong Young & Free and I focused on one lyric, "Jesus Christ, you are my one desire". I was overcome with God's grace and forgiveness. I hadn't felt Him that close in forever. I felt like I couldn't honestly sing that and live out Jesus being my one desire, when so many times alcohol was my desire. I just felt all that wash away and thought "ok, God....you win". In the past, when I tell myself that I'm not going to drink, I have this fear....the fear of failure and not sticking to it. This time it was different, there was no fear....just me finally listening to God and surrendering to Him. It was awesome feeling, one that I embraced and was/am excited about.

This is going to sound strange (maybe) but I felt healed....healed from being held captive to alcohol. I felt God's hand on me, taking it away. Just a disclaimer....I didn't get to this place on my own. I've been surrounded by a select group of people through this. I say select because there is no doubt in mind that God has hand picked these people to help encourage me through this. A combination of God speaking to me through my faults and failures, through His Word, and through His people. I've finally decided to listen.

Fast forward to the end of the week....a long, stressful week....my thoughts slowly start going down the wrong path....if I can just have one glass of wine, I'd feel a lot better. What happened to how I felt the previous 5 days? Where did my healing go? Did I lose it? Man, I thought I was definitely on to something earlier in the week.

I'd like to say that I had another "kairos" moment with God like I had had a few days ago, but I didn't. He did let me work through this the best way I know how....worship music. I don't expect for this to be easy but my prayer is that I can keep my thoughts focused on Him. That I can go a long time without drinking to where it's become my norm. That I can hold on to Him and His promises; that I do not rationalize and conform to the ways of this world.

So I'm learning how to say no to alcohol. I used to be scared to say I'm not drinking. Not anymore. This doesn't mean that I'm never drinking again. There may be a time, a different season in my life, that I can drink. I can trust God in this, and trust that He knows my heart and my motives, so that if I do fail along the way, I know He will be there to pick me right back up.

I've known this for awhile now but strayed away for a bit...sure, Jesus does not require anything from us and salvation is free. But we have to die to ourselves, we have to surrender our sinful nature to him....following Jesus WILL cost you something. It will cost me something and Jesus is worth it. I have decided that it will cost me drinking.

Romans 13:11-14 "This is all the more urgent, for you know how late it is; time is running out. Wake up, for our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. The night is almost gone; the day of salvation will soon be here. So remove your dark deeds like dirty clothes, and put on the shining  armor of right living. Because we belong to the day, we must live decent lives for all to see. Don't participate in the darkness of wild parties and drunkenness...instead, clothe yourself with the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ. And don't let yourself think about ways to indulge your evil desires."

Hebrews 12:1-2 "...Let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith..."

Ephesians 4:22-24 "...throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit  renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God - truly righteous and holy."

Psalm 25: 8-10 "The Lord is good and does what is right; he shows the proper path to those who go astray. He leads the humble in doing right, teaching them His way. The Lord leads with unfailing love and faithfulness all who keep his covenant and obey His demands."

Brokenness Aside

Will your grace run out
If I let you down
‘Cause all I know
Is how to run

‘Cause I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful

Will you call me child
When I tell you lies
Cause all I know
Is how to cry

I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful

-All Sons & Daughters
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJMWrBsSwMk

It's Time....

It's time....

Time to go back to the basics

Time to trust in who I say I trust in

Time to cross the line all over again

Time to go all in

Time to surrender

Time to lay it all down at the feet of Jesus

For some time now, I have been taking advantage of God's mercy. Knowing that He will always love me no matter what, makes it a bit easier to mess up. I've kept this truth of God's mercy in my back pocket and have not made the best decisions at times. Interestingly enough, I stumbled upon this thought, or perhaps God gave me this thought, before service this morning. Today, the pastor was talking about how sometimes we abuse the freedom that God has given us. (Shout out to God: Thanks for the affirmation on this - got it.). And this is exactly where I find myself: guilty of abusing the freedom that Jesus gave us. Just like Paul writes to the Galatians, "For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don't use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature."

I am thankful that God extends new mercies to us every day and I am thankful that He has not and will not give up on me.

He's let me take my freedom and use it how I choose because that is who He is. Now I choose life, the life God has promised me.

"Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live! You can make this choice by loving the Lord your God, obeying Him, and committing yourself firmly to him. This is the key to your life..." Deuteronomy 30: 19-20

I Wonder...

Stating the obvious here: Bruce Jenner is not perfect, no one is.

I wonder how many of us look closely at ourselves….how often do we take inventory of our own shortfalls and sins and call ourselves out, confess our sins to each other and to God (as the Bible says we should)? Truly repent and turn from that sin. A sin is a sin is a sin, right? It’s interesting to me that to us not all sins are equal; it appears that, for some reason, some attract more attention than others. Why is it that we are so quick to assess a sin of that of a public figure? Are we this quick when we ourselves sin or our own family and friends? I know that I'm not.

“When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.” (Galatians 5:19-21)

I wonder how many of us go through on a daily basis one sin from the list above or have loved ones that do. And I wonder how many of us gently and humbly help those (or ourselves) who are overcome by some sin back onto the right path as we are ought to do? Why are always so quick to call out those in the public eye? And this is not about whether they are right or wrong; this is not about standing up for what you believe it. This, ironically, is what has been on my heart all year, sin; the act of sinning.

Truth be told, as a parent of two toddlers, outbursts of anger on my part, are more common than I'd like to admit. Selfish ambition - check, envy - check, jealousy - check....and the list above is not even all inclusive. I am self aware (sometimes), and all I can do is confess and trust that God knows my heart.

I wonder how often we apply the following verse in our life and to others in our life?

"Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same tempation yourself. Share each other's burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important." (Galatians 6:1-3)

It's sad that we so often are not "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry." (James 1:19).

It's sad that we so often pick and choose which parts of the Bible we like to apply in our lives and the lives of complete strangers such as Bruce Jenner.

Only scratching the surface here....

 

 

Insecurities

Sometimes, we can be our own worst enemy. I'm pretty good at that. It's so simple to list everything that I can't do, that I'm not good at, or could do better.

I find myself quickly turning down things of God that I should be doing but feel that I can't. I'm quick to make excuses, rationalizations, or an exception of why it doesn't apply to me, why it wouldn't work....why maybe someone else could do it better than me, or should be doing it instead of me.

During this morning's church service, the message was about being a peace maker versus being a peace keeper. A peace maker being someone that helps resolve conflict and not only keeps people away from each other to simply keep the peace. Doubt quickly creeps in my mind - no way, I can't help resolve conflict. All the reasons start lining up in my mind....

A little while later, I have a small revelation....all these doubts and insecurities (not only from this morning but over the last few weeks), these aren't from God. These are the lies that the devil wants us to believe so that we are not living for God and bringing Him glory.

For me, it's so easy to forget that spiritual warfare is real; that it is a daily struggle. A daily struggle that we can easily overlook and attribute to just not being good enough. Today, God not only reminded me of this, but He also reminded me that He knows exactly who we are, who He made us to be, and who we are capable of being. And for this, I am thankful. We are not perfect nor will we ever be perfect this side of heaven. I love that God doesn't ask this of us.

I love that God has shown us the way to overcome this warfare. He has equipped us with all the tools that we need to fight this good fight. We need only fight the fight His way, the way He has instructed us to do so. He's laid out the foundation for victory; what more could we ask for?

"A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

Therefore, put on every piece of God's armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God's righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God".

-Ephesians 10:1-17

Long Enough....

After a nearly three year blogging hiatus, I'm back. There is something about getting down my walk with God, lessons I learned, thoughts I have, on here...all of which I have been "too busy and distracted" to do. I also do like the idea that what I share may have even the smallest effect on someone, that God uses me so that He may reach someone and that He is glorified through this.

With that said, I don't think I can recap the last 3 years in a single post nor will I try to do so ;) I'll stay current and share a very cool experience that I had last night.

Over the last few months I've been struggling with the choice on whether or not I should drink. It's a struggle that has followed me for quite some time now. During my 20s, I pretty much drank in excess and whenever I wanted. Back then, at least for a short period, I drank as a coping mechanism and the others times was for stress relief  and the occasional social outings.

A few months ago and as a now mother of two...I found myself having a glass of wine or two to de-stress and occasionally going a bit overboard. I've known for some time that a change is needed. God has clearly and loudly been pointing me in that direction. Sam and I slowly made some changes to eliminate the two to threee times a week of a glass of wine. To many people, a glass or two is not a  big deal. To us and for us, it's means something a little different; it means depending on a worldy idol instead of God and it means, in some instances, a lack of self-control.

I've gone back and forth contempleting eliminating drinking completely from my life. I can't concisely explain it, so I won't for now. But I have been praying and asking others to pray that God changes the desires of my heart.

How cool would it be just to not want to drink any more? I know how cool it would be because I used to be there when I actually did let God change the desires of my heart. Somewhere down the road, I got caught up in life and that brings me here again.

Well, last night Sam and I am decided to celebrate Mother's Day with a nice dinner and a bottle of wine. I didn't think too much about it...the guilt that I had been feeling months earlier wasn't present and the dwelling on whether this is right or wrong wasn't present either. I don't know if that's good or not, that's just what it was.

So I have a glass of wine after dinner, and typically, I drink it kinda fast and go for a second. Interestingly enough, I can barely finish it. I usually go right for my second glass. This time it was different, I didn't have the desire, need, or want to have second glass. I am very aware of that this could be just an isolated incidence :p But what I think happened, is that at least for this night, God truly did change the desire of my heart. I will hold on to this and I will look for Him to do this again.

It is not by my power, but His.

Zechariah 4:6

Then he told me, “This is the message from the Lord to Zerubbabel: ‘You will not succeed by your own strength or by your own power. The power will come from my Spirit,’ says the Lord of heaven’s armies.