I Have Decided...

I tried writing this post a week ago but apparently it was a little premature since nothing saved....so let's give this another try.

I have been struggling all year with whether I should be drinking or not. It's something that, I think, God has kept pressing me on....challenging me to make a decision. I've contemplated so many times whether it's right or wrong, not in general, but for me. Often times, I've found myself drinking to have relax, de-stress, and just escape a little. It's something that I'd look forward to and sometimes end up drinking more than I should.

Last Sunday, I decided that I did not want to drink anymore. That nothing good can come from alcohol, not even a little relaxation. I was listening to Sinking Deep by Hillsong Young & Free and I focused on one lyric, "Jesus Christ, you are my one desire". I was overcome with God's grace and forgiveness. I hadn't felt Him that close in forever. I felt like I couldn't honestly sing that and live out Jesus being my one desire, when so many times alcohol was my desire. I just felt all that wash away and thought "ok, God....you win". In the past, when I tell myself that I'm not going to drink, I have this fear....the fear of failure and not sticking to it. This time it was different, there was no fear....just me finally listening to God and surrendering to Him. It was awesome feeling, one that I embraced and was/am excited about.

This is going to sound strange (maybe) but I felt healed....healed from being held captive to alcohol. I felt God's hand on me, taking it away. Just a disclaimer....I didn't get to this place on my own. I've been surrounded by a select group of people through this. I say select because there is no doubt in mind that God has hand picked these people to help encourage me through this. A combination of God speaking to me through my faults and failures, through His Word, and through His people. I've finally decided to listen.

Fast forward to the end of the week....a long, stressful week....my thoughts slowly start going down the wrong path....if I can just have one glass of wine, I'd feel a lot better. What happened to how I felt the previous 5 days? Where did my healing go? Did I lose it? Man, I thought I was definitely on to something earlier in the week.

I'd like to say that I had another "kairos" moment with God like I had had a few days ago, but I didn't. He did let me work through this the best way I know how....worship music. I don't expect for this to be easy but my prayer is that I can keep my thoughts focused on Him. That I can go a long time without drinking to where it's become my norm. That I can hold on to Him and His promises; that I do not rationalize and conform to the ways of this world.

So I'm learning how to say no to alcohol. I used to be scared to say I'm not drinking. Not anymore. This doesn't mean that I'm never drinking again. There may be a time, a different season in my life, that I can drink. I can trust God in this, and trust that He knows my heart and my motives, so that if I do fail along the way, I know He will be there to pick me right back up.

I've known this for awhile now but strayed away for a bit...sure, Jesus does not require anything from us and salvation is free. But we have to die to ourselves, we have to surrender our sinful nature to him....following Jesus WILL cost you something. It will cost me something and Jesus is worth it. I have decided that it will cost me drinking.

Romans 13:11-14 "This is all the more urgent, for you know how late it is; time is running out. Wake up, for our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. The night is almost gone; the day of salvation will soon be here. So remove your dark deeds like dirty clothes, and put on the shining  armor of right living. Because we belong to the day, we must live decent lives for all to see. Don't participate in the darkness of wild parties and drunkenness...instead, clothe yourself with the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ. And don't let yourself think about ways to indulge your evil desires."

Hebrews 12:1-2 "...Let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith..."

Ephesians 4:22-24 "...throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit  renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God - truly righteous and holy."

Psalm 25: 8-10 "The Lord is good and does what is right; he shows the proper path to those who go astray. He leads the humble in doing right, teaching them His way. The Lord leads with unfailing love and faithfulness all who keep his covenant and obey His demands."