Insecurities

Sometimes, we can be our own worst enemy. I'm pretty good at that. It's so simple to list everything that I can't do, that I'm not good at, or could do better.

I find myself quickly turning down things of God that I should be doing but feel that I can't. I'm quick to make excuses, rationalizations, or an exception of why it doesn't apply to me, why it wouldn't work....why maybe someone else could do it better than me, or should be doing it instead of me.

During this morning's church service, the message was about being a peace maker versus being a peace keeper. A peace maker being someone that helps resolve conflict and not only keeps people away from each other to simply keep the peace. Doubt quickly creeps in my mind - no way, I can't help resolve conflict. All the reasons start lining up in my mind....

A little while later, I have a small revelation....all these doubts and insecurities (not only from this morning but over the last few weeks), these aren't from God. These are the lies that the devil wants us to believe so that we are not living for God and bringing Him glory.

For me, it's so easy to forget that spiritual warfare is real; that it is a daily struggle. A daily struggle that we can easily overlook and attribute to just not being good enough. Today, God not only reminded me of this, but He also reminded me that He knows exactly who we are, who He made us to be, and who we are capable of being. And for this, I am thankful. We are not perfect nor will we ever be perfect this side of heaven. I love that God doesn't ask this of us.

I love that God has shown us the way to overcome this warfare. He has equipped us with all the tools that we need to fight this good fight. We need only fight the fight His way, the way He has instructed us to do so. He's laid out the foundation for victory; what more could we ask for?

"A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

Therefore, put on every piece of God's armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God's righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God".

-Ephesians 10:1-17

Long Enough....

After a nearly three year blogging hiatus, I'm back. There is something about getting down my walk with God, lessons I learned, thoughts I have, on here...all of which I have been "too busy and distracted" to do. I also do like the idea that what I share may have even the smallest effect on someone, that God uses me so that He may reach someone and that He is glorified through this.

With that said, I don't think I can recap the last 3 years in a single post nor will I try to do so ;) I'll stay current and share a very cool experience that I had last night.

Over the last few months I've been struggling with the choice on whether or not I should drink. It's a struggle that has followed me for quite some time now. During my 20s, I pretty much drank in excess and whenever I wanted. Back then, at least for a short period, I drank as a coping mechanism and the others times was for stress relief  and the occasional social outings.

A few months ago and as a now mother of two...I found myself having a glass of wine or two to de-stress and occasionally going a bit overboard. I've known for some time that a change is needed. God has clearly and loudly been pointing me in that direction. Sam and I slowly made some changes to eliminate the two to threee times a week of a glass of wine. To many people, a glass or two is not a  big deal. To us and for us, it's means something a little different; it means depending on a worldy idol instead of God and it means, in some instances, a lack of self-control.

I've gone back and forth contempleting eliminating drinking completely from my life. I can't concisely explain it, so I won't for now. But I have been praying and asking others to pray that God changes the desires of my heart.

How cool would it be just to not want to drink any more? I know how cool it would be because I used to be there when I actually did let God change the desires of my heart. Somewhere down the road, I got caught up in life and that brings me here again.

Well, last night Sam and I am decided to celebrate Mother's Day with a nice dinner and a bottle of wine. I didn't think too much about it...the guilt that I had been feeling months earlier wasn't present and the dwelling on whether this is right or wrong wasn't present either. I don't know if that's good or not, that's just what it was.

So I have a glass of wine after dinner, and typically, I drink it kinda fast and go for a second. Interestingly enough, I can barely finish it. I usually go right for my second glass. This time it was different, I didn't have the desire, need, or want to have second glass. I am very aware of that this could be just an isolated incidence :p But what I think happened, is that at least for this night, God truly did change the desire of my heart. I will hold on to this and I will look for Him to do this again.

It is not by my power, but His.

Zechariah 4:6

Then he told me, “This is the message from the Lord to Zerubbabel: ‘You will not succeed by your own strength or by your own power. The power will come from my Spirit,’ says the Lord of heaven’s armies.

Too many excuses....

It's been a couple of months since my last post. And even then, the posts were just lyrics....lyrics that I used as prayers. My mind, for the last couple of months, has been preoccupied to say the least. Preoccupied....thankfully, with nothing major, except life. Well, I think I'll take the "major" back, still getting in the groove of things with Alise. She is now seven, almost 8 months old. But along with this new life change, I've been busy with work - typical...typical excuses (work, family life, health, tv, the worldly distractions). Excuses for me - for not spending enough one on one time with God.

I can clearly remember when I was truly on fire for God...I was excited about learning about God, knowing about God, being with Him. I couldn't wait to read his Word, and I would - morning and night. Now, quite honestly, it's a bit different for me - it's a struggle. When I do read the Bible, sometimes I feel like I do it mostly out of obligation. Shouldn't I "want" to do this without feeling like I have to?

I used to love writing about my journey with God, maybe not as much on this blog as my Lessons in 2010 blog. I saw things so differently, then - I saw God's beauty and power in lots of instances. Now, it's as if my eyes are not as open as they once were.

My prayer is that God will open my eyes as they once were and even more so, not only my eyes but heart to him and all those around me.

..."Think back on those early days when you first learned about Christ....So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised." Hebrews: 10:32-36

Set a Fire

Set a fire down in my soul, that I can't contain, that I can't control. I want more of you, God. I want more of You.

Boasting...

If this life has anything to gain at all
I count it lost if I can’t hear You, feel You, ’cause I need You
Can’t walk this earth alone
I recognize I am not my own, so before I fall
I need to hear You, feel You, as I live to make my boast in You alone

With every breath I take, with every heart beat,
Sunrise and the moon lights in the dark street
Every glance, every dance, every note of a song
It’s all a gift undeserved that I shouldn’t have known
Every day that I lie, every moment I covet
I’m deserving to die, I’m just earning your judgment
I, without the cross there’s only condemnation
If Jesus wasn’t executed there’s no celebration
So in times that are good, in times that are bad
For any times that I’ve had it all, I will be glad
and I will boast in the cross, I boast in my pains,
I will boast in the Sonshine, boast in His reign
What’s my life if it’s not praising You,
Another dollar in my bank account of vain pursuit. I do,
That count my life as any value or presence at all
Let me finish my race, let me answer my call

Tomorrow’s never promised, but it is we swear
Think we holding our own, just a fist full of air
God has never been obligated to give us life
If we fought for our rights, we be in hell tonight
Mere sinners own nothing but a fierce hand
We never loved him we pushed away his pierced hands
I rejected his love, grace, kindness, and mercy
Dying of thirst, yet, willing to die thirsty
Eternally worthy, how could I live for less
Patiently You turn my heart away from selfishness
I volunteer for your sanctifying surgery
I know the Spirit's purging me of everything that’s hurting me
Remove the veil from my darkened eyes
So now every morning I open your Word and see the Son rise
I hope in nothin, boast in nothin, only in your suffering
I live to show your glory, dying to tell your story

Glory was solely meant for You
Doing what no one else could do
With All I have to give,
I’ll use my life, I’ll use my lips
I’ll only glory in your Word, what gift to me I don’t deserve
I’ll live in such a way that it reflects to You, my Praise

Boasting - Lecrae

"Therefore, as it is written: Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.” 1 Corinthians 1:31

Holy Spirit...

There is nothing worth more
That will ever come close
No thing can compare
You're our Living Hope
Your Presence

I've tasted and seen
Of the sweetest of loves
Where my heart becomes free
And my shame is undone

Your presence Lord

Holy Spirit You are welcome here
Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere
Your glory God is what our hearts long for
To be overcome by Your presence Lord

Your presence Lord

There is nothing worth more
That will ever come close
No thing can compare
You are our Living Hope

Your presence Lord

I've tasted and seen
Of the sweetest of loves
Where my heart becomes free
And my shame is undone

Holy Spirit You are welcome here
Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere
Your glory God is what our hearts long for
To be overcome by Your presence Lord

Let us become more aware of Your presence
Let us experience the glory of Your goodness

-Holy Spirit by Bryan and Katie Torwalt

The Beauty of God....

It's interesting to me that for some reason some of us go to church to feel good about ourselves. I distinctly remember that when I lived back home in the Valley, every Sunday that I made it to church - I felt very proud. I'd call my best friends and brag, "I went to church today." It was like I felt obligated to go to church to show my love for God. On Sundays for one hour...and I'd leave feeling good about myself and the message I'd hear. I had fulfilled my duty to God; I never practiced what I learned. I lived the rest of the week my own way. What a sad way to live...I realized this years later.

The thing is that going to church does not make you close(r) to God. I sort of think going to church does not make God happy if you feel obligated to go. Now I go to church to worship God, not to get some high for one day. I go, sometimes I feel like going, and sometimes I don't, but nonetheless I go to worship Him.

But the beauty of God is that He designed us to do so much more in addition to going to church to worship Him. Simply by talking to Him, spending time with Him...obeying Him throughout the week, throughout the month, throughout the years of our lives. This is the beauty of God - I believe that worshipping Him at all times other than when you are just in church means so much more.

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14

"God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.” John 4:24